A Snip Too Many
by champagne soapernova xox
Summary: Something has gone missing in Newport...but who is the culprit who ruined the life of a loved character? How will they be tracked down? This expands on the musing that no one likes to be attacked by peaches.


**Hello people of the vorld! We have come to bring you peaches and peace (perhaps). Please remember when reading the story that we merely aim to entertain and we are in no ways verified to be completely non-intoxicated while writing. **

They were his trademark. His calling card, if you will. A symbol of his power. The plan had been underway for months now, carefully debated and plotted to the minute details. Foolproof. Yet there was still a fear that it would result in failure.

Thick. Coarse. A symbol of his virility. They peeled off without a fight, resting in the hands of their new owner. A bag was produced and they were slipped in, placed away carefully.

The criminal mastermind turned, believing the job to be finished, but was distracted by the glistening of more of that lustrous hair on his chest. Irresistible. Watching his chest rise and fall, they dared only to remove a strip of it before finding a safe place for the new treasures.

Success.

* * *

Sandy Cohen screamed, breaking his horrific nightmare. He was drenched in a pool of his sweat-no one likes to be attacked by peaches. Although he was severely disturbed by the dream, there was the inner feeling that something was amiss. Sandy did not feel like a man anymore.

Instinctively he reached down to double check his manlihood. There they were-right where he left them the night before. That could only mean one thing… But no-they couldn't be!

His hands flew up to his face, searching the area for his babies. He couldn't find them-his forehead felt naked for the first time since he was a foetus.

Sandy jumped up and ran for the mirror.

"No!" Sandy yelled, as the stranger in the mirror echoed his cry.

His eyebrows-his signature-were not there! What kind of a person could do something like that? He was barren, a mere semblance of the man he used to be. Gone was his power, his way with people (in particular the women)-his eyebrows gave him all of his strength. He could not face the day without them.

Still staring at the stranger, Sandy's eyes drifted down to his chest. What confronted him was a disgrace: this _animal _had removed a strip of his hair from the middle of his chest!

Rage boiled up inside him. There was no chance of forgiveness now. This was war-and Sandy would start his search for the culprit. It was time to get down to business.

Sandy decided to start with the members of his family, beginning with his vife. The bed was empty, meaning Kirsten was probably in the bathroom.

As per usual, Sandy was blinded by an emission of steam upon walking in the bathroom. Kirsten performed a weekly at home chemical peel-minus the chemicals-making the shower so hot that her skin would peel off. It was perfect for in-between botox injections and facelifts.

"Have you seen my eyebrows?" Sandy called out over the sound of the shower, making out Kirsten's silhouette.

"You're what?" Kirsten replied with a mouth full of something.

"Eyebrows!" Sandy yelled out, advancing on Kirsten and hearing a ripping sound. "What are you doing?"

"Bikini line wax," Kirsten informed him, smoothing on another strip of wax then taking a bite of something. "And eating a peach. What was that about your eyebrows?"

"I've lost them!" Sandy cried out in frustration appearing in front of Kirsten, who was wearing a towel around her head.

Kirsten looked up to see her eyebrowless husband, choking on her peach in shock and amusement. Sandy was then sprayed with chewed pieces of peach and little black hairs, before screaming and running out of the bathroom.

Looking down at the hairs covering him, Sandy had a brainstorm: maybe he could use them as substitute eyebrows. There weren't enough hairs now, but Sandy decided to put them away for safe-keeping and start a collection.

Maybe Seth had them, Sandy thought, making his way upstairs. His son had always mocked him about his eyebrows, but mocking someone was surely a sign of envy. Besides: Seth was kind of hairy-maybe he could donate some hairs to Sandy's collection.

"Seth, have you seen my eyebrows?" Sandy asked, walking into Seth's room before stopping short.

His son was wrapped up in his doona, naked, watching James and the Giant Peach with Captain Oats. That wasn't unusual-Seth normally watched movies naked with Captain Oats-but the sounds coming from his son sounded suspectly like Sandy last night.

"Oh, God!" they exclaimed simultaneously, both for different reasons.

Still Seth continued, surprising Sandy with how similar he was to his son. Sandy backed out of the room, closing the door quietly behind him before knocking and calling out "Seth!" loudly.

"Come in!" Seth called out, sounding flustered.

As Sandy entered, Seth hastily wrapped his doona tightly around him but let go of it in shock as he saw his father's naked face.

They both turned their faces away in shock; not wanting to see their beloved one's nakedness.

"Have you seen my eyebrows, son?" Sandy asked.

"Yes, I have seen them for the past eighteen or so years," Seth replied sarcastically. "Did you have a shaving accident?"

Sandy looked down in shock, wondering how Seth could possibly know before recognition clicked in his eyes.

"Oh-you mean with my eyebrows!" Sandy exclaimed in relief. "No, no they were stolen. I think."

"Well, I haven't seen them," Seth said quickly, wanting to get back to his James. "But I'll let you know if they show up."

"Could I…get something from you before I go?" Sandy asked timidly, approaching Seth and holding out a pair of tweezers.

"Wait, dad…what are you doing?" Seth asked in fear, but it was too late: Sandy swiftly plucked several hairs from Seth's chest and fled the room.

* * *

"I don't know that I should take pot Marissa," Sandy overheard coming from the pool house.

"How else do you think I had seven orgasms last night?" Marissa said, the sound of kissing floating out from the pool house.

"So true," Sandy muttered, remembering back on his pot days.

Sandy reached out and knocked on the pool house door, deciding to give them time to get themselves together.

"Come in, Seth-we're just getting the party started again," Marissa called out.

"I didn't think you'd accept our…invitation," Ryan said, his face falling and brightening in embarrassment as Sandy entered.

Marissa burst out in laughter at the sight of Sandy's face-high as a kite, as usual, while Ryan just stared.

"Have you seen my eyebrows?" Sandy asked, slightly coy after Marissa's reaction.

"Couldn't miss something like those!" Marissa exclaimed.

"Um..no," Ryan answered.

"Well," Sandy begun, stepping towards them and brandishing his tweezers. "I have to get something."

"Hello, I would like some help finding my eyebrows," Sandy spoke into the phone. This was grim-he never thought it would come to this.

**Read and review! Or else, we will attack you with peaches after eating too much cheese. **


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